(by Sally Moyland)
After the tournament, I didn’t want to talk to anyone or do anything. It was the first time in the past decade in which I had devoted most of my life to my table tennis career that I thought of ending it. My parents had never agreed to or liked table tennis, but they have kept deciding to support me and my dreams. One thing that I’ve heard over and over has been, “If you decide to quit tomorrow, we are totally fine with that”. However, another one that my dad always says is, “No giving up during down times”.
Mom noticed my distressed emotions (I would say it was hard not to notice, I had a very stiff aura). She offered to take a walk on the beach and maybe chat a little. My mom had probably never seen me so depressed before, as she seemed quite worried. The beach was pretty nice. They even had gym equipment and ninja warrior type obstacles. Not being interested in that, we continued on to find a bench and sat down. After a considerably long talk and a lot of life contemplating, we got up and started heading back to the hotel. Walking in the perfect weather just next to the ocean water. If I was in a good mood, it may have been the perfect evening.
At that moment, I understood those movie scenes where the female lead always goes to the beach when having a bad day. Walking in the sand, kicking the water, and jumping around freely. As my gaze was brought to the beautiful horizon line, the ocean that looked almost infinite made me feel how small my problems and I were. Not to mention the ocean breeze that was so, so nice. Although the inside of me was still something close to dead ashes, at least the outside of me was much better patched and more pleasant to see.
Out of a lot of lows in my life so far, the setback in Korea was probably one of the biggest ones. I don’t recall any other situation in which such a negative emotion has lingered with me for so long. A day after returning to Taiwan, my mom and I set off back to America. There was another WTT Youth Contender just next to home. My spirits weren’t high, but since we had already committed to attending, I pushed through to play anyway.
My mental state at this time was very dismissive. I had a very strong, “I don’t care” vibe. This actually came to help me be less emotional in the short term. No matter if it was practice or competition, I seemed to be relaxed and feeling good. With players under or around the same level as me, I pulled out so many strong shots it was a bit outrageous. I would count it as over-performing. However, the moment I played someone better than me, I lost control and pretty much gave up mentally. Please do not copy this, as this is a bad example. However, I’m honestly sharing these episodes with you because I think it’s important to know that anyone and everyone gets into these situations and they are something we can learn from.
At least for me, trying to act as if I didn’t care to achieve a “relaxed” state just wasn’t sustainable. I “gave up” because I thought I couldn’t win, because I was trying to convince myself that “I didn’t care”. That just isn’t my true self. I did care and I do care. After losing the match, immediately the emotional wave of regret hit me strong and hard. I knew I didn’t do my best and was quite upset with it. Unfortunately, the past was unable to be changed but, I did learn to not position myself below (or above) my opponent before the match anymore. And never to expect to win or lose.
Not gonna lie, even after my second Youth Contender, my emotions from Korea were still there. I was STILL lingering….after maybe a couple of weeks I still couldn’t find positivity. I couldn’t SEE hope and maybe that was the problem. All this time I had been very passive in solving my problems and very sensitive to help and guidance from others. In other words, pitying myself and quite selfish indeed.
After the sad emotion phase, I started to move into more of an anger emotion. I started getting very agitated. Everything was wrong. I could get mad at a fly, the weather, other people, etc. My temper was practically out of control and I was so lost as to where to fix it. It’s been a long, long time since I’ve had to deal with Sally in such a crappy condition.
Not only was it when I started to write up this very trip report did I begin seeing my life from a different angle, no longer drowning in an imagined whirlpool which only I could see and feel. For sure it was a big down time, but I can see myself climbing back up and finding a way. I have lowered my goals and expectations (that doesn’t equal to lowering my hard work) and my psychological state has felt much more intact and under control.
My two suggestions for others that feel as poopy and helpless: read and write.
Everyone has a unique life and you should copy no one’s. I am working hard to navigate through my life and I wish you the best of luck working through yours.
Lastly, thank you to my wonderful parents for staying by my side and still loving me like nothing else even when I’m a jerk and can’t even stand myself. Also thank you to Bowmar Sports and Song Shan High School for giving me great support in my table tennis career. One supplying me with the best equipment and one providing amazing training.
Thank you for reading and do remember: Don’t give up in your down times. It’s harder than you think, but definitely worth a try.
That’s all for now and see you guys in the next one!!
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